1. The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger. Instead of yelling “get down!”, they have to yell “Donald, duck!”
2. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
3. How does a rabbi make his coffee? Hebrews it.
4. Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
5. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. Librarian: “They’re right behind you!!”.
6. Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line” Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
7. What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
8. Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little antybodies.
9. Do you use your right hand to stir your coffee? Huh. I use a spoon.
10. My friend says to me: “what rhymes with orange” I said: “no it doesn’t”
11. My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends… I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
12. What happened when the pirate attempted to recite the alphabet? He got lost at ‘c’
13. Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.
14. People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!
15. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
16. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
17. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
18. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
19. A guy goes to the Doctor. He’s got a Carrot in 1 ear, a stalk of Celery in his other ear, a Pea in his nostril, he says “Doctor, I haven’t been feeling well.”
The Doctor says “That’s because you’re not eating right.”
20. I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
21. What do you do if you see a space man? Park in it, man.
22. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
23. I used to be addicted to soap, but now I’m clean…
24. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!”
The other guy replies “You are on the other side!”
25. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
26. Why could the lifeguard not save the hippie? He was too far out man.
27. The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
28. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
29. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
30. What’s the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.
31. Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
32. Why did the banker quit his job? He lost interest!
33. 2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, “you ever worry about that mad cow disease?”. The other cow says, “why would i care? I’m a helicopter!”.
34. A man was hit in the head with a soda. Good thing it was a soft drink.
35. What do you call a dog that has no legs?
Doesn’t matter, he’s not coming.
36. Why do scuba divers jump off boats backwards?
Because if they jumped forward, they’d still be in the boat.
37. I went to the doctor and said I’ve been constantly dreaming that I was a wigwam and sometimes a teepee, he said relax, you’re two tents.
38. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
39. A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says “You can stay, just as long as you don’t start anything”
40. What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
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